Cracks in the wall ......

As I was just telling a blogger friend, .... it's a quirk of fate isn't it? .... that self discoveries can often be found, whilst looking at someone else's life, .... As a part of my journey to the Fiji Islands and back ... to Sydney for work and then back home to the mid-north coast of NSW ... where the beach castle sits proudly amongst the permanent seaside dwellers and those that come and go in more temporary abodes .... I realise that cracks have started to appear in the wall that surrounds my heart or holds my psyche together or is it that ... at this ripe old age I've arrived at, I'm tired of doing it all alone? On my return from my fabulous adventure I am, to be sure, filled with gratitude for what my life holds but also so prone in these last few days to fits of emotions and tears bordering on tantrums, all internal, nothing to show for it all, except on here!

I feel both relaxed and thankful, at the same time as incredibly fragile, vulnerable and likely to fall apart in a strong breeze. Not a good thing today with the sea breeze sending the palms bending, creaking and even snapping all around me. A reflection of how I feel, manifesting in the environment that surrounds me. I am, aware, as always, that all is well. I trust that things are unfolding as they should, but I'm also acutely aware of the shift inside me. I've been like a fortress really. I sometimes have dabbled at the thought of someone in my life, but at the first hello, I've always found it very easy to remove myself from any really connection likely to develop. And now? Like an earthquake slowly building silently the strain builds until the earth is forced to move and shake and realign itself, that is how I feel.

Like the Universe has decided to shift me. And how I am now? Unsteady, unsure and not sure what or who to hang onto. Nobody has stepped up except the sense of space where someone could come.

I wonder what the next move will be. I wonder what will happen now that I feel these cracks in my otherwise very centred being. Only God knows. I will have to believe (even though I'm faking it right now) that this is a gift ... the wish for something more so strong I can't contain it. Thank you God.